The 7 most annoying, yet funny disrupters in the gym

Lots of people I talk to, hate the gym… And to be honest I can`t really blame them. I personally do like the outside more, the freedom…nature, unexpected circumstances, beach, waves, wind… the space – adventure. But I had to admit that throwing some Iron makes you stronger and can be useful at times to reach your goals. Yet, the moment I walk in I already regre.. no regret is not the right word, I love a good workout.. It`s more a thought of what the heck am I doing here again?!.. might be me, that I am quickly distracted, have the focus of a little child. Asking myself a lot of times is it really true.. people actually do that..?!? My eyes get opened a lot of times, wide open… It`s like a big human zoo.

There are some types I see coming back from time to time. They have the talent to summon some funny yet annoying yet ridiculous irritations.. painful to be around, hilarious at times.  You have got mead heads, housewifes, woman with skimpy clothes and full on wearing make-up to work out (?!), creepzzz, grunters, the sweet potato’s, the markers, the housewife’s, the hoggs and way more. An that’s just the people. And my first week into an actual gym since forever.

Let me tell you about the 7 most annoying yet funny disrupters in the gym. Please read the article with an eye blink, all in the name of fun! 😉

1. The Grunter

The first that comes into my mind:  “I am about to poop in my pants” grunter. You all know that one guy, the one whose guttural “gaaaah” you clearly hear while being in opposite of the building – wearing or not wearing your headphones.

It`s just like the commercial of two tennis players and start to grunt and scream louder and louder every time they hit the ball. In the gym this happens too – only than by moving a weight. Mostly by a deep red face, throbbing veins, deeply in sweat. Its funny on one side, sad on the other side.

Everyone knows them, I did only need one minute and one gym entry for that.  That guy that always walks to the weight rack no matter how small or how big he is , well and then you hear it:

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *smash*

Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *smashhhhh*

Once you’re yelling that loudly, you clearly can’t lift that much weight (yet), you clearly don’t have any regard for the people around you (!), and you’re clearly going to give yourself an inguinal hernia… Just put down the weight one little lighter, more movements and problem solved – I didn’t had the idea anyway I was looking at George of the jungle…

I get it that sometimes in the last set there will be a sign of tiredness escaping… or you can`t put the heavy weight down that easy… but like the whole one and half hour.. screaming, grunting while the whole gym can enjoy it?? Did I mention human zoo?

2. Sweat Puddler

Like the special guest I always look out for in the gym:  Mister dip the sweat puddler.. every dip goes down with a performative grunt, and he does like a hundred a day,  last but not least mister dip is sweating like,,,? Every drop counts? – I really leave that machine for the rest of.. my life.  Sweating is expected, but sweat puddles left on machines, benches, the floor (!) is just not. Carry a towel to soak up the mess.

Another competitor in the era is: Mister croco the sweat puddler #2 showing up in his boardshorts and crocs, using the stairwalk machine every day, he`d drip sweat like no one before, a giant bottle of frozen coke melting in the sun. It`d be all over the machine.. the place.. not just the handles…a snake track is nothing like it. The whole place looked like it was left outside in the rain.. Yep this people also exist.. leaving sopping in his crocs… without even thinking about cleaning up his mess.

“I grunted loudly at the gym today, nobody looked to see how much I was lifting.. so I slammed down the weights, let my sweat run down the machine, now they will remember me. – Mr. Sweat Puddler – also known as The Grunter.”

3. Collect them all

That one that sets up a bench in front of the dumble reck, surrounds himself with every imaginable weight and plans to use them for the next foreseeable future. Like we used to do as kids with Pokémon cards… The only difference is that we took care of our cards but mr. collect them all, he leaves it all, once he is done.  You just lifted them, that means you should be able (at least ) to put them back in the dumble rack. You know the rack, which is organised with numbers 1 -2- 3 – etc. Which dumble goes where: Reracking weights is the easiest thing in the world ( I tought until today).             

Just like using one at the time, that saves some cleaning. While you leave with a yoga matt for a stretch in the other room to come back wit a skippyball. What the…?! Am I the only one noticing you might forgot something..

Who is the usual culprit? A doofus just doing drop sets of seated rear delt-trap-neck, belly arm things that no one has ever seen or heard of, but you can tell it’s just wrong. It would be forgivable if it weren’t so selfish. Newsflash: Other people want to train with dumbbells too; you don’t get to keep tabs on all of them.

4. Reserved holiday goer & Machine Hogs

“Actually I don`t do sets, I don’t have any reps, but I wont be done for a while”

You have the machine hogs, the texting machine hogs, the group machine hogs.  Because they are with a group the can exchange machines and take their time. Conversations about the girls they got at the club last week. Girls gossiping, talking about rainbows and unicorns and all else that doesn’t make sense in a gym. There is a coffee machine on the other side of the road.. maybe a better place for all daily nonsense..?  And you know what: there are actual chairs!  

The bro`s, the locusts . They are everywhere and not going anywhere anytime soon. Look at them in your local gym.. They are recognized by drinking workout shakes / water.. together and talking really loudly about the “chick they banged” last night and probably lying about it – I guess.

Or the staring housewife, not everyone is so serious as you… For instance: The little too big housewife that is just staring in front of the machine, or doing just as little as a 50 (!) reps on the machine you actually reallyyyy want to use. Lets get to work.

“What’cha doin’? Not much?

Yeah… not much. “

While others act if they are in an all inclusive hotel…the reserved holiday goer, also well known as the marker:  towel on the beach bed 07:00 and still a sleep until 13:00 .. it can better be there before you realize you actually want to use it or..??   The part I do understand is leaving a towel on a bench to save it because you have to run to the bathroom or fill up your water bottle, the part I don`t understand is marking half the gym with your shit. – because you’re 135 pounds, have more zits than muscle, and believe that circuit training is your salvation – is as rude and inconsiderate as it is nuts.

And than we have the all equipment hogger, the dude (or dudine – but I haven`t seen one – yet) that thinks he is alone in the gym, takes three towels, a bidon and some other personal crap ..doing his own circuit; using every single piece in the gym at the same time. and he hollers out across the gym to let everybody know, “Hey, bro! I’m on that. Doin’ a circuit!”

Circuit training has a time and place, but it is not in a busy gym. Stop hoging all the equipment.

5. The Texters

“No squatting in the texting reck, please”

Yep, every once in a while (I hope every once in a while for all of you) during peak hours in the gym you’re waiting for a machine, weight rack and you spot someone spending more time texting than actually working out. The I am not done yet  but let me finish this text `slacker, guys. It takes them ages to get off a machine, sometimes and I really wonder how this is possible, but people do it: people will literally be on their phones having full conversations and chatting throughout the entire workout.

Than you have the people with the facebook uploads, to the gym “beastmode on,  lifting, training with ma bro`s”.. Do we give a fuck? . NO we don’t give a fuck… For real. Dudeee move onnn…

Great workout #fitness #cleaneating

#shutup .. Guess you know all these people by .. wait no.. you won’t, because you unfollowed them three months ago..

“What if I told you you can go to the gym without telling everyone on facebook about it”

6. Selfiesss Selfiesssss, Everywhere!

The shame… but it’s not enough to stop you from doing it again! After all, do gains even count if you don’t share them on Insta?  Goes to the gym once: 4 status updates , 65 photos, and buys “I gym for live tee”.

“I don’t always go to the gym but when  do I make sure everyone on facebook knows about it.”

Have you ever ‘checked in’ at the gym? If the answer is yes, go hang your head in shame. More selfies than reps… but that’s none of my business. – watch me bro, post this on insta. Well, to be honest, I was shocked when I saw this for the first time… people actually do this!?? The answer is yes.

7. Strike a Pose – abusers

Once I was on training camp in another country – the other side of the world – in the local gym – a guy next to me take off his shirt, start flexing in the mirror, and then start taking selfies, staring at his biceps in every possible angle. – IN the gym. On the other side every once in a while there’s a competitor who goes into a side room of the gym and flexes or practices a pose – lets say another world opened up for me. I believe you. Your muscles grow if you work out.. and it is absolutely fine to look at them, but to hit a pose after every set?  maybe next time do it at home..?

To be fair, he’s not as inconsiderate as the others. But because he’s a walking stereotype, he furthers the image of the narcissistic bodybuilder with little intellect and class. In other words, he’s a self-congratulatory douchebag.

Next to this you have the ones that use the gym -mirror, mostly in front of you, to check the hair or the way the too tight pants fit. You know the mirror is there for a purpose? To check your form and maybe check double if you are not a vampire. For all else we have a dressing room or a home.

Who else would you add to the list of gym hero`s ..??

When the coach asks you to put some pull ups in that training……..No problem….